3 Months Later...

**This is actually my first blog post, but I had to switch it to Blogger because the last site I used sucked.** 

It's September 26 and it's the 3 month-iversary (mensiversary?) of my divorce. How am I celebrating this momentous occasion? By watching the boys do fake roundhouse kicks in the backyard with the kids from the other apartments.

It's actually not something that I'm celebrating. I only just realized that 3 months ago today my wife and I put the kibosh on our 4-year marriage. I remember walking out of the courthouse surprised that it was over. I expected a lot more legal rigmarole to happen before the actual conclusion. Instead, here I was, holding this piece of paper that declared that the last 4 years were wasted, with the exception of my introduction to her kids and the the birth of our son, Dash. All I could do was get into my car, plug in my phone and listen to Nickle Creek's "Rest of My Life". (The first line: "The battle is over, here we all lie, in a dry sea of Solo cups, the sun in our eye. But it's one of those endings no one claps 'cause they're sure that there's more. What a great way to start the first day of the rest of my life." I thought it was appropriate.)

My wife was a horrible wife. Awful. But I don't hate her and I wasn't the best husband. I was lazy. I was inattentive in a lot of ways. I was certainly selfish and ignorant of many of her needs. And I was defensive on the occasions that she checked me on my mess. The one thing about divorce, especially if you're the one being divorced and not the one initiating the divorce, is that you run every piece of the past through this imaginary analysis machine, picking apart every mistake you made, every misstep, every foible, every regret. You wish you could change it and it eats you up that you can't. And I have to own it. I have to.

I had intended to list my ex's many faults and hurts that she caused, but I changed my mind. I wouldn't do any good. Suffice it to say that, in the end, even though I initially fought the divorce, I think it was better, particularly for me, to not be married to her.

So, now my challenge is not having outright contempt for her. I've heard it said that the level of love that you have for a person is the amount of dislike you have for them when they break your heart. And I loved my wife with the white, hot heat of 1000 suns. We talk, mostly about the kids. (Ok, only about the kids, with the occasional exception.) The other day, she texted me about something that didn't have anything to do with the kids. I just didn't text her back. I can't have that kind of relationship with her right now. She broke all kinds of trust with me that she has not even come close to repairing. Again, I don't hate her. I actually care about her well-being. But she's not invited into my life. She doesn't get that.

Where does that leave me? Well, in the divorce, I got our son. There was no fight. She already had 3 kids when we got married, I had none. I grew up without my father around and I had no intention of having my son go through the same thing, so I asked for custody. We live in the country (or, country compared to Detroit, where I'm from). We have fun with what we have. I thank God for the little things I get to enjoy with him.

And I get to enjoy time with at least two of her kids, the aforementioned roundhousing boys, who consider me to be dad. I don't have much: not much money, no cable and a one-bedroom apartment, but the boys love coming over for a bit of man time.

In the end, I guess that, as frustrating as my life can be, I have a good life and one that I can still glorify God with. And that's a good place to start.